I drank my almond boyfriend tea. Left in my possession by an ex-boyfriend.
I had a boyfriend once. Imagine that. CAN you imagine that?
I lost him as well as many other things during that period of my life.
Thinking of the days gives me a sick feeling.
So I try not to think of them at all.
But gosh dangit all I just HAD to have that almond tea.
Oh gosh oh gosh. What a funny and awfully plain life I am living.
I am another girl with an underbite. Fucking sucks, not to mention that is only one of my many many flaws. My stupid stupid face and it's stupid stupid structure. Surgery is too expensive, my mom and I joke about how I should come across as suicidal so maybe they could make it "medical" and lessen the cost. Sometimes I feel so ugly I want to die anyways, so I could easily act the part. Anyways, I know what it's like. :)
It’s good to know I’m not the only girl with this stupid jaw structure problem. It bothers me when people complain about how ugly they are when its not something like the idiot bone structure you were given. My main problem is that when I speak to others, I know for a fact that I look like an ape cavelady. It’s hard to feel at least alright with yourself. And it’s even harder not to be bothered by it. Anyways, just to talk to someone who has been gifted with this makes me feel better. Maybe we could be our own support group. Thankyou for letting me know you’re there! And hopefully someday we will have the strength to overcome this insecurity. You do look lovely in your icon though! No matter what I do I look like I have a broken jaw. So glad it’s way expensive to get surgery.
Why can’t interesting things happen like they used to?
I get all made up and dressed for no one. So I can look at myself, kind of sigh, and wish I wasn’t so hidden.
I declared I didn’t much like people anyhow.
But they’re just so awful most of the time.
I had actually considered growing a mustache, buying a bowler hat and a black cape, and becoming a dasterdly villain. Because it made the most sense.
But then I remembered that I secretly love everyone and everything. No matter what hell they’ve put me through and no matter how awful and cruel they are or were to me.
I think I’m becoming more and more like a rodent. Not a city rodent. Maybe a suburban rodent.
Golly gee wilikers. I’d sure love to feel loved.
To be a ghost rodent girl is a terrifying thing.
Words cannot describe the amount of fear I have of being shot in the face while I’m here. In this desert land.
We’re leaving tonight for the city. Then I’ll be leaving not long afterwards to the San valleys. I’m so awfully tired of moving around. Being passed along. Everyone will have lived with me at least once, and not have liked it, thus leaving me with no place to go. Because goodness knows that I’ll not be able to get my own place.
For such a giant ashley, she sure does act small.
I mean babyish. I may as well still be a baby.
The gunshots from the television frighten be. Because I hear horses neighing. And I’m just so afraid that someone had written it in the script for one of the horses to get shot. And I’ll have to hear it. Even though it’s not real.
Part of me is questioning whether or not I should go back onto a dating site. Isn’t that stupid of me. I just honestly don’t think I’ll ever be outside enough to find someone that will like me. And even if I was, they would be too weirded out by me to approach me. And I’d be shaking to bad to approach anyone else.
I don’t want to just be ashley anymore. I want to be ashley and someone.
I’m cliche. And I feel incomplete. I am woman. Look at how weak I am.
It’s not that I’m showing weakness. It’s just that I’m lonely and sad and I want to be happy and feel like someone likes me because no one ever likes me and I can’t believe how much I sound like I’m 13 and not 23.
Oh my GOSH I’m getting old and I need to pack the car so that we can leave.