Pretending I know anything about professionalism and resumes and business speak. Like they couldn’t eat me alive.
I just know that I can’t waste a moment.
But it’s all very terrifying and foreign. Lies and deceit and robotic undertones where everything is money and revenue and time management and I don’t belong anywhere with those people but I have no place else to go that will save me from a life where I’m living less than paycheck to paycheck and sobbing every other day afraid the law men are going to lock me up and I’m going to lose everything, however small, that I’ve gained in these several years.
I keep feeling too large. This body is a problem. I might not see myself how I really am ever again. I don’t think that this sort of thing just goes away.
They’re putting me on accutane. And I’m not sure if I lied or not when the dermatologist asked if I had a history of severe depression. Thoughts of suicide. No no and no I’m slightly anxious but that’s really about it. Please make me sign the paperwork and start me on my way.
I was reluctant to take the accutane for years, terrified of the side effects and not wanting to go on birth control, for fear of weight gain.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in years/ever so it was without great difficulty that I chose to be abstinent for a year. Now we’re just waiting on the OK from the psychiatrist I haven’t seen in three years, a blood test, and I’m well on my way.
She was much like a wicked witch, selling me beauty through dark witchcraft and an evil contract. An old woman with her skin pulled back tightly against her skull, and lips puckered. She came in and touched my chin right away, accusing me of being afraid to gain a couple pounds and saying that accutane and I would be GORGEOUS together. “Like photoshop!” she said.
So here I am. And I hate my life and I hate myself and I keep wondering why I even bother but I keep waking up every morning. So I must know SOMETHING that I’m not aware of.
I have an actual “hatred of sounds” disorder.
And I don’t think anyone realizes it.
Wow trying so hard not to completely lose my mind.